The US Census Bureau announced today that preliminary data from census forms already returned indicates a large number of closeted lesbian, gay, bisexual, and transgendered individuals, with a particular concentration in Alabama. Director of the US Census Bureau, Robert Groves (pictured left) explained in a press conference:
"As we began to look at and process the incoming census forms being mailed back, most of the data matched up pretty well with our ongoing update study, the American Community Survey. Strikingly, though, we found out Alabama is a very gay place, thanks to some new data gathering methods we employed."
According to the data coming in, at least 45% of individuals ages 16 to 65 in the state harbor strong attractions to the same sex and/or show signs of gender dysphoria. However, most of these deny their sexuality even to themselves, even while sexually active with those of the same sex. When asked to explain how this additional data was gathered when it did not appear among the ten official questions on the census, Groves declined, saying, "To reveal our advanced data gathering methodology would compromise its functionality."
When asked to comment, Governor Bob Riley (pictured right) stated, "Well, I figured several members of my cabinet were queer, especially after I ran across two of them 'having a special session' under a conference table while the legislature was having its own special session on the education budget. But it's fine as long as they keep calling themselves straight. After all, they weren't doing something truly sinful like playing electronic bingo."
Highlights from the preliminary data release include a list of the primary occupations of closeted gays and lesbians in the state. The "gayest" profession was found to be staff of "ex-gay" programs, followed by spouses of Southern Baptist clergy.
Mississippi also showed surprising results, with a preliminary 32.9% rate, though the national average was only 24.2%.